PK THROUGH 5TH GRADE
Because children learn so much from watching parents manage their emotions, the most important thing for you to do when your child is pushing your buttons is to stay calm — radically calm. When your child’s energy goes up, your energy should go down.
“The maintenance of equanimity under trying circumstances is the essential sign of maturity, of adulthood.”
— Jean Briggs”
Key Strategies
- Reframe how you think about your child’s behavior. When your child behaves poorly, replace thoughts like “they’re being bad… why don’t they obey me?” with the recognition that of course children are going to behave poorly. They haven’t yet learned how to participate responsibly in a group. They need to be taught by parents and others.
- Maintain calm — radical calm — when your child behaves poorly or makes a mistake. To keep yourself calm, use sensory imagery, imagine you’re stoned, or dispassionately observe your child’s actions as if you were a scientist studying an unfamiliar culture. It takes time to learn how to stay calm in the moment, so you might want to practice in your head in advance.
- Nudge your child toward responsible behavior. When possible, use attention, touch, action, and facial expressions — none of which involve words. When necessary, use words — with questions or by pointing out consequences. Unlike demanding or forcing, nudging leaves children with the dignity and freedom they need to choose their next step themselves.
Additional Resources
Book: Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans, Michaeleen Doucleff
Radical Calm